question:
"It's hard to let people -- my husband, kids, friends, and coworkers -- know what I want. Part of me thinks it's wrong to make demands; the other expects the answer will be 'no.' Is there any way to change this pattern?"
answer:
Many of us have trouble telling others what we want. This tendency may have begun in childhood when we were taught not to be greedy and ask for things. We may have also learned that "no" was the answer to most requests. The assumption that we are not supposed to make our wishes known follows us into adulthood.
Another reason we hesitate to tell people what we want is because we'd like them to know without our having to ask. Unfortunately, this leads to disappointment since no one can read our minds. As adults, we need to let others know that we're hungry, lonely, tired -- or need a hug -- or we won't get whatever it is we want.
The first step in changing such a long-standing pattern is realizing we have a right to make requests. Knowing this adds assurance to our tone. Start small, with a situation which isn't a great risk. Perhaps it's reading the paper before anyone else flips through it. A simple statement to that effect can be effective. You might want to add a brief explanation -- "I just bought it on my way home and I'd like to read it first." It also helps to tune off the little voice which repeats such negative messages as:
Being able to ask for what we want helps us in other situations too. We can learn to say:
Will we always get what we want? No, not always. But if we make a practice of telling others what we want -- and need -- we have a greater chance of getting it. If we wait for them to read our minds, we have very little likelihood at all.
Email questions to Dr. Marge. Those of general interest will be answered on this website.